I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
