I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.