I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
