those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
