I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
birth control should be required to get into college
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
