Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
