I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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