Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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