Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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