I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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