i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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