Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
