I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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