An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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