Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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