Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
