we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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