I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
