I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
