I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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