Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
