This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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