dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
