I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
