Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
