I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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