so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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