I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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