In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
