Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
