wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The best revenge is premature balding
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
