If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
