Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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