New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
