Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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