my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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