I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
