not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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