if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
