Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
