yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my shit smells like andre
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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