It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
