Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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