I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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