The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
