I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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