did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
