a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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