i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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