Umm I'm too high to move.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
