I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
