Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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