So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
