It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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