I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
