god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
