Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
