I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
