Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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